watermelon?!

I keep losing track of how much time I have before the due date. So I checked one of the little apps I have tonight. I says I have less than four weeks, and that the baby is about the size of a watermelon. Watermelon! Of course I feel like I have a huge watermelon in my stomach, but I think they might be referencing the smaller seedless variety.

Things are going really good though.  I have to consciously focus on NOT walking like a monkey from the Planet of the Apes remake (mmmm... Marky Mark). I start out nights in my own bed, spend a few hours in the chair in Mason's room, and usually end up on the couch. I slipped about two inches the other day while mopping the floor. Those two inches cost me several hours of pain. And I've started throwing up randomly.

So we focus on the less than four weeks part...
But I hate due dates. I'm still trying to think of due month. Any time in December... any time.

I am so excited to meet my baby. When I can't sleep at night I try to imagine who he will be.

busted

Jason and I had an appointment with the midwife yesterday to talk about our birth plan. That's right, birth plan. Yet another reason I'm in love with the midwife approach. Not that I have big spectacular plans or very alternative wishes, but it's so refreshing to have someone ask what I'd like to have happen. It's good to know that I can do some things my way (like not being stuck in a bed strapped to equipment) and that's Laurie is still keeping me safe (like getting on the monitors from time to time).

The big news is that she got in an accident and broke her shoulder. I keep waiting to freak out about this, but I'm not. I felt so strongly that I should switch providers, now it's looking like she probably won't do the actual delivery. Perhaps it's me, maybe I'm bad luck. Our Doc with Mason ended up getting sick and wasn't the one that delivered him either. Does it matter? I think the "big switch" got me on the right road, does it matter who is at the end? I can't believe I'm so calm about saying "Yeah, let's plan on the midwife student doing the actual delivery". Seriously?

Perhaps this is my chance really have the very calm, involved, intimate delivery that I want. If I am even half lucid, I want to do as much of it myself as possible. I am reasonable though. Come up with whatever birth plan you want, there's only so much you have control over. Won't it be funny when I end up so heavily medicated that I don't remember a thing?!

i take it back

After writing that I am going to wait a while longer before I start getting things ready I had a bit of a wake up call. I've been experiencing A LOT of false contractions with this pregnancy. They are annoying and uncomfortable and I'm glad they didn't bug me much last time. A few nights ago they were driving me nuts so I laid down. That usually makes them go away. They didn't. They actually got stronger and started in coming in organized waves of pain. The pain was different.  Like real contraction pain. I told Jason and he started timing them to see the pattern. Meanwhile we both had a moment of "Oh my gosh we are so not ready for this".

The pain eventually faded off and I faded into dream land where I had all sorts of dreams of unpreparedness. So as much fun as it was last delivery (leaving the bag and camera in the car because I was sure they were going to send us home) I think it's time to get organized. Another motivating factor is Jess and Dan came and moved most of their stuff out of the basement so I can actually get to the baby boxes. I'm sure we have just about everything we need, it's just a matter of finding it.

next month and the crater

Today is November. That means I can officially say I'm having my baby next month. Sure, it's way over a month, but it's next month! Jason politely asked me to refrain from going crazy with all the preparation until around Thanksgiving. So the crib and hospital bag stay stashed away physically but mentally I've set it all up and packed a dozen times. He's the sensible one. I'd have everything pulled out and in the way. I already have a half dozen projects and deep cleaning attempts that aren't finished. So instead of being closer to being ready, I get further away each day. I thought about sending Mason to play with a family member for a day so I can actually finish something around the house. Then I realized I'd probably just fall asleep, never wake, and waste the day. I better save my favors for the post baby chaos.

I'm loving my big round baby growing belly. I forget how much mass I have in front of me. Occasionally I bump into things. Or the best is when I try to squeeze past someone and end up stuck. I say excuse me while they look at my stomach with an expression that says "what were you thinking"? Getting out of bed is ridiculous, so I try to sweetly ask Jason to get stuff for me so I don't have to get up once I'm down. It makes me feel La-Zy!!!. If only he could pee for me...

I've started wearing Jason's T-shirts to bed... and occasionally beyond. He says it's cute but I know he's really thinking "I hope she gives that one back before basketball on Tuesday". I wish I could let myself wear PJs or work out clothes all day long but it makes me feel like a scrub. I know there will be too many days like that after the baby arrives. The good news is that I can still tie my own shoes (yes, I wore real shoes one day last week).

The strangest thing to me is that my belly button just won't give up. With Mason's pregnancy it just slowly disappeared. I felt sort of inhuman without a belly button. This time, no matter how big I've been getting, it still won't let go. This creates a funny little crater indentation that you can see even when fully clothed. Like someone stuck their finger in rising dough. It's funny. And probably too much information.

1 o'clocka 2 o'clocka

I'm prepared for a little one to join our family. I'm not fooling myself thinking it will be easy. Baby1 was not easy. Even if Baby2 is easy, having both will not be.

I just didn't think it would start so soon. I was up all night with both kids, one crying out through the whole night and the other beating me up from the inside out. Lucky's always very active, but last night's continuous acrobatics kept jolting me awake. I think I even cried out a time or two. I really couldn't sleep through it.

At today's check up I was asked if I do Kick Counts. I laughed. There is really, really no need to count his movements. Perhaps I should track if he's ever NOT kicking.

grateful

• for living in a place and time that I get to choose where, with who, and how I have my baby delivered.
• for all the medical options I can have access to if needed
• for the awesome machines that let me hear my baby's heartbeat
• for the people who dedicated their life's work to discovering how the body works
• for simple tests and procedures that can make life possible and healthy
• that someone finally took the carbonation out of the gestational diabetes glucose test drink. It previously made me so very very sick that I've been fearing it more than labor. It was easy peasy.

the big switcheroo

I love Doc. I thank him for the baby I have. I thank him for all the odd hour appointments and his availability. I thank him for his compassion and tender words. I would highly recommend him. I hope he's not offended that we've decided to make a change.

Out of the blue in July I had a crazy feeling that I needed to change providers. It seemed like a crazy notion and I dismissed it as crazy pregnancy hormones. The feeling didn't go away and I had a little freak out wondering why I felt this way and what I was going to do.

I met my Certified Nurse Midwife today. She's everything on my list and more. She even told me that if I never came in for another appointment she would understand and be happy that I was following my heart. Though I spent hours at the hospital catching up on paperwork, questionnaires, labs, and exams, I left feeling rejuvenated and empowered.

I don't know if this choice has significance. Sometimes we are prompted by the spirit to do things. Other times God lets us make whatever decision we feel is best. All I know is how calm and happy I feel.

a rose by any other name...

Mason has a name picked out for Lucky. He's really quite insistent. We won't make any promises until we meet our baby, but the name is certainly growing on us. And it's so cute the way he says it...

We'll see if it fits.

big brother is watching

Mason is watching out for you, Lucky.

This morning he woke up first and came and got me out of bed. I sat up and said "ssssstretch" and we both reached out our arms like we always do. Suddenly he looked concerned and asked "Where'd the baby go?" (My stomach doesn't stick out very much in the morning, especially compared to the evenings when I'm tired from lugging a two year old around all day). I pulled my shirt tight across my stomach and reassured him the baby was still right there.

"Oh good!" he said, leaned over and kissed my belly, and ran out the door.

bigger is better

These are my toes.
It's getting really uncomfortable to get to them, so my sweet niece Lauren does them for me.
It's one of those little things that make me smile a lot.

Here's your future family, kiddo.
We went out exploring today.
When I saw this picture I laughed.
We look so young.
I look so pregnant.
But bigger is better and our family will be so much better when you get here.

the good, the bad, and the ugly

THE GOOD: I am days away from "officially" being in my third trimester, but who's counting right? I realized yesterday that in three months it's very likely I will have Lil Lucky kicking me from the outside instead of the inside. Also good: I am feeling pretty good. I have energy! Not a ton, but enough.

THE BAD: I am feeling a bit sick again and it's mostly at night. I also have a hard time doing simple things, like getting in the jeep, lifting my leg to get dressed, and holding Mason very long. I'll admit I'm a bit envious of women who feel great when pregnant. I just don't. But I've learned to appreciate my normal healthy body when it's over.

THE UGLY: I busted out the maternity pants yesterday. They are barely tolerable but I've started running out of options. I'm considering starting my own clothing line of maternity clothes that aren't horrible. It doesn't seem like so much to ask..

waddle

I used to wonder why pregnant women walked so awkwardly. Now I know. It's because it hurts!

My hips have been aching on and off. Mostly I just have to be careful when I get in and out of bed or from the car. Then, yesterday, I tried being helpful and took some heavy boxes to the UPS Store while Jason was out at work. I don't think they weighed more than 40 lbs each, but by the time I got home I was hurting. I tried spending the rest of the day laying down, but Mason didn't think that was a very fun game.

Today is a bit better, and I found that if I take a big stride with my left leg and then just bring up my right I can avoid a lot of the discomfort. I look like a zombie but I can move a lot faster!

I am bewildered that at this point in my first pregnancy I was exploring the ruins of Machu Picchu in Peru.

*I miss my chiropractor*

half time show

With my first pregnancy I always knew how far along I was and how much time I had left. I always knew what was "under construction" and how big the baby was. I subscribed to multiple baby websites and received emails and updates constantly. I read book after book, article after article. Sometimes I wonder if being too informed was perhaps detrimental.

This round I'm content just knowing everything is okay. The second trimester is blasting by. The other day someone asked how far along I was and I didn't really know. I looked it up later (yes, there is an app for that...actually...it might be too much information but there has been an app for every step of this baby's existence). What a surprise to see the half way mark had come and gone!

Things are going well. I had about 2 weeks where the morning sickness was mild enough that I could exercise easily. Now I'm plagued by a wonderful thing called the relaxin hormone. During pregnancy it's 10x more abundant than normal. It loosens the joints, especially in the back and pelvis, to eventually help during delivery. For whatever cosmic reason it just about kills me. I first noticed it when doing pilates. Suddenly it really hurt when I lifted my leg behind me. Then it started affecting my sleep. Then I had a hard time just getting up and down. Swimming gives my joints a lot of relief, but you can only spend so much time in a swimming pool.

As far as weight gain, I have no clue. With Mason, I lost so much at the beginning that it was a long time before I was "out of the red". I worked hard to maintain my weight this time so I think I'm fine. I feel big, or cumbersome. Wide mostly. This kid is still so low. So far the only thing I can't wear is a couple fitted-waist skirts. Last week I could wake up and not be showing, but by the end of the day my muscles were relaxed to where I was definitely poking out. Yesterday I wore my loose comfy pregger dress to church. It didn't matter how good my posture was- I was certainly showing.

The only other news is that I'm still throwing up. Not too often, but it's discouraging. Today I snacked on fruit and then made a super good dinner with veggies and salmon. I was so proud of myself (I despise fish for the most part) until I lost it all. Unfortunately there are no points for effort when it comes to nutrition during pregnancy.

So that's my 20ish week update. Life is good. He never lets me go very long with out a poke and a nudge as if to say "Hey mom, keep up the good work".

hop skip and a jump

Dear Lucky,
I've been thinking about you...well I always think about you... but especially today. I wonder what you will be like. Will you resemble your brother? Will you start out looking like me and then transform into another mini-Jason for the rest of your life? Sometimes I think I'm getting another baby exactly like the one I have. Other times I think you will be just the opposite. I'm sure you will surprise us with whatever combination you show up with.

I hope that I can be a more confidant mother. I'll be honest. Infants are not my forte. Early on with Mason was really hard. But he turned out just fine. I hope I learned my lesson. I hope we can teach each other to be calm and not worry so much.

I've been teaching Mason all about you. He knows to be soft with babies. And we're working on being quiet. He's doing really well, although if we ask him where the baby is he pulls up his shirt and pokes his own belly. Today he walked around with a large cup saying "I sick" and spitting into it. That's what having a baby means to him.

When I went to get the ultrasound to find out your gender I was excited to see you so grown up. You kept the technicians working hard to measure all the things they needed to. At one point you kept pushing your feet up right in the way. The tech pointed out that it looks like your second toes are longer than your big toes. That's how mine are. It's okay if that changes but for now that makes me smile a lot. When she said you were a boy I felt so...relieved! I enjoyed seeing you show off your biceps and then taking that big yawn. It was even cool seeing the "insider's view" of that false contraction.

Before I know it you'll be here and our lives with be forever different...better... more full. Until then I hope you know how much I love you already.

One last thing. I know you are learning and growing and having a ball in there. But, um, sometimes all that moving actually makes me sick. It's just a matter of weeks before the foot-jammed-in-my-rib stage is upon us, so if you want to take it easy for a while I won't complain.

Love you Little Lucky,
mom

tips for survival

I'm feeling so much better than I did a month ago. It's almost hard to believe. So before I forget (yes, I forget! I glaze over the rough stuff of motherhood. I think most women do. That's why there's such thing as siblings) here's a list of things that helped the first trimester.

• Sleep. I'd heard that exhaustion can make all morning sickness symptoms worse. It's so true. When I took care of myself, took every opportunity to nap, and headed to bed at a reasonable hour, it made a big difference.
  
• Eating at night. My mom found this one for me and it helped when nothing else did. I'm a light sleeper so I wake up a lot during the night. Also, with Jason out of state I was the only one attending to Mason if he woke up at night. Every time I woke up enough to realize I was awake I would eat something. It was usually a few pretzels I kept by my bed or something similar. It made the mornings more manageable. Scientifically it has something to do with blood sugar levels or something... all I know is that it helped.
  
• Lemons. I don't believe in pregnancy cravings. I do believe that when you are going through a hard experience that food can help a person momentarily feel better. That's why chicks gorge on ice cream when they get dumped. But whatever, I'm sounding judgmental. For me it's a fight to find anything that is palatable. I found that citrus was refreshing. With Mason I preferred limes, this round it was lemons. And an occasional binge of clementines. Even the tartness of lemon drops got me through some rough situations.
  
• Slim Fast. Funny right? At a time when I'm faced with a "slow and constant bulge" it was slim fast that helped calm my stomach. I absolutely did not use it as a meal substitution, but as a supplement. My doc would have preferred Ensure but that was SO NOT going to stay down. Super cold slim fast smoothie, sometimes just a sip at a time, added some needed calories. It was my go-to item when I got the shakes (no pun intended) from extended hours of no food.
  
• Potatoes. One of the first things I noticed when I realized I was expecting was a problematic aversion to vegetables. I tried to keep eating them and my body said NO! I think it was my mom once again who helped me discover the wonder of the baked potato. For a long time it was the one veggie I could keep down.
• Soda. Specifically a medium cherry fresh lime from Top Spot. I don't usually drink any pop whatsoever but this was helpful. Can someone please explain why I couldn't eat vegetables but a artificially flavored sugar concoction was allowed?
• Ice packs. On the eyes, forehead, and especially the back of the neck. It was a distraction when battling the nausea and soothing when I lost the fight.
• Medicine. My doc hooked me up with some amazing anti-nausea medication that comes in a gel form. It comes in pills too but I'm usually too sick to keep the pills in my body long enough to help. So this gel goes on your wrists where it is quickly absorbed into the blood stream. I'll be honest, I don't think it helped me throw up any less, but I believe it helped the in-between times so I wasn't constantly "on the verge".

• PIZZA! Mason was probably completely nourished by cheese pizza from Fazoli's. It was the only thing I was able to eat when I was pregnant and working. It's the carbs? The unoffensive smell and texture? I don't know, but I found once again with this pregnancy that pizza calmed my stomach. It doesn't make any sense, but then again what part of puking your guts out does??
  

little MISTER lucky

Poor kid has already been labeled "uncooperative", "stubborn", "squirmy", and "modest" by medical professionals and he's still in the womb. After a LOT of poking and prodding (and rolling and twisting on my part) we finally got a glimpse. I am so happy to know we're having another boy. We're also so happy to see him doing so well and that everything looks good.

When I got home Jason had this fill-in-the-blank waiting for me. I decided to make dinner first so he filled it in for me. Mean, I know, but how often do I get to have a secret?

This is the real result. Mason is smiling now... he has no idea what he's in for!

ah... the internet

Mason is mellow this evening and Jason is working late. So I put on my virtual swim suit for some frivolous web surfing. We explored all sorts of crazy gender prediction theories. It kept me entertained for a whole twenty minutes (and wonder why in the world any pregnant woman would risk messing with Drano fumes). There are certainly a lot of tests and theories out there.

So now I am completely convinced I have a 50% chance of either outcome.

I have tried to trick myself into "feeling" one way or the other. Truth be told, I just want this baby. With Mason I really wanted a boy. I think another one would be great. Just as great as experiencing the new frontier of a daughter. I used to think Starrs could only have boys, but then J&N finally had a girl.

So I don't really know what to think. But I don't think I'll find my answer on the internet.

i declare...

I declare this to be Exhaustion Week. It reminds me of a few months ago when I would fall asleep every time I stopped moving. Back in those days I usually had 3-4 naps before 10am. Mason is a little less nap tolerant these days so I can't get away with snoozing our lives away. I do try to kick up my feet when I can, and then I stretch out and hold really still so I can recognize the slight little movements in my stomach.

conversation with brother

Me: Hey, do you want a boy or a girl?
Mason: Girl.
Me: A girl or a boy?
Mason: Boy.
Me: Pink or Blue?
Mason: Blue.
Me: Blue or pink?
Mason: Pink.
Me: Are you just saying whatever I say last?
Mason: No.
Me: So do you want a brother or a sister?
Mason: NO!

is that you?

Last night I was in bed, trying to find a comfortable arrangement of pillows, blankets, and limbs. I'm already achy and uncomfortable at night, which is daunting because I haven't put on any weight yet. It's going to be a LONG pregnancy if I'm already not sleeping well at this point.

I finally rolled onto my back and sighed. Right then I felt something. Just a familiar nudge. A light flutter. Only as strong as my heartbeat. But unmistakable. The Quickening. Then it came again. I can't believe I'm feeling the baby already. We fell asleep with big smiles on our faces.